Sometimes I wonder if my relationships to counselors, therapists and people in authority comes with judgement about how I look. Scratch that, I know it has. But the extent of it sort of flew by me until today.
I was researching narcissism today (gotta write them flawed characters, you get me?) and I came across this article.
The article itself is of little consequence, but the image leaped out at me. This dark-haired, pale-skinned vamp-ish looking woman is the stock photo they have chosen for an article about narcissism. And she looks like me.
And I realise that a lot of the imagery for an abusive or evil woman looks like me.
Think back to kids shows and teen movies. If the villain is a woman, what does she look like? How does she behave?
I mean, it’s likely that she’s an Evil Pale-Skinned Brunette. Maybe a bit goth, maybe not. But you can be sure she is cold, calculating, manipulative, viscious, ruthless and willing to stop at nothing to get her way.
The amount of times I have poured my stories about being bullied out to a counselor only to have them immediately interrupt me with “Are you sure you weren’t being manipulative?” “Are you sure it was bullying and not just a disagreement or misunderstanding?” are too numerous to count. I have explained my self-searching and my personal journey with trauma to these professionals and have been doubted at nearly every step whether what i experienced was as real or as bad as I claim.
I am constantly on the defensive in the true story of my own life.
There is always this thread of subtle implication underneath their words. What am I not taking responsibility for? What was my part in the altercation? I have always wondered why I am constantly asked these questions even after teachers, professors and bosses have been there and witnessed incidents of bullying and harassment where I am 0% at fault.
But I’m autistic, and I look like a villain. I must have done *something* wrong, right?
Because damnit, that’s what people who look like me do. A man is sexually harassing me at work? What have I done to tempt him or lead him on. A blonde-haired, blue-eyed girl is picking on me in class? I must have started it. Some way. Some how. I cannot be innocent. I had to have. I’m bad at social cues and I have dark hair and pale skin and hooded eyes. I look evil.
I’m not sure how to change this. Or even what to do with this information. It just struck me, really hard today.
P.S. I want to acknowledge that this is something I face as a white person, and that WOC face similar, deeper issues of racism and colorism to a different extent. I do not want to speak for the experiences of WOC or to talk over their stories. {read}