SEATTLE—As temperatures top 100 degrees, the National Weather Service warned Tuesday that the record-breaking heat wave currently plaguing the Pacific Northwest could cause an unprecedented surge in shirtless Italian grandpas appearing outdoors with wet washcloths on their heads. “With excessive heat gripping Washington, Oregon, and surrounding states, residents should be advised that their nonnos are at increased risk of stripping down and slapping a damp rag on their forehead in an attempt to cool down,” the warning read in part, before going on to detail the alarming rise in septuagenarian paisanos stepping away from the vat of boiling squid on their stove in order to sigh repeatedly and fan themselves with a folded newspaper. “Through 11 p.m. PDT Thursday, expect increased cases of exhaustion, sun rash, heat stroke, and men from the old country removing their shirts and setting up a folding chair on a shaded section of the front stoop. Please be on the alert for early warning signs, such as panting, sweating, and elderly men named Alphonse, their eyes enlarged behind giant reading glasses, muttering “Madonna mia” into their fresh lemonade as they pause to rest beneath the canopy of a chestnut tree. In the Seattle metropolitan area, public cooling centers have been opened in an effort to cut down on these small, stocky, and by all accounts adorable Italian seniors puttering around their backyards in gartered socks, belted pants, and nothing else.” At press time, the NWS had issued an escalated advisory following reports that shirtless Italian grandpas had declared the weather too hot even for espresso.
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